The Bare Minimum
by Shuckle Master
Summary: It's not easy being a low level minion in King Koopa's forces. Join the World 1-3 Koopa Corp. as they deal with horrible adversities like poverty, racism, procrastination, and the prospect of trying to fight Mario. Will they achieve their goals and finally defeat the mustachioed menace? Or will they ignore him and just get involved in crazy shenanigans that waste everyone's time?


Hey guys! Okay, so this is very different from what I used to, but you guys can tell me what you think.

The following is a comedy about incompetent minions in the Mario world. The original purpose of this story was to show similar antics that me and my friends get up to, so there'll be some inside jokes.

Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy!

 **World 1-3**

 **Coins: Below Minimum Wage**

 **Score: 0**

 **Lives: None apparently**

 **Suicidal Thoughts:**

"Alright, men. Our timing could not be better. Mario should be finished mopping the floor with the World 1-2 underground platoon by now," a hammer bro barked to the troops in his command.

As always, World 1 was bright and sunny. The usual catchy tune drove the already disgruntled "soldiers" in his command insane. The clouds and much of the plants had faces on them, which was odd, but nobody bothered to address it.

"Who cares?" a goomba asked, somehow managing to shrug despite the lack of limbs. The red-shelled koopa next to him delivered a swift elbow strike to his side, hard enough elicit a grunt of pain.

"Thanks, Prem," the hammer bro muttered. "See, why can't you all be like Prem? If you were, we'd have a chance to make employee of the month. Or you know…stop having to listen to the same song every goddamn minute of the day?"

"Like I said, what's the point?" the goomba said. "Long live the king and all, but he never wins. Mushroom muncher jumps in, kills a bunch of guys, beats Bowser, saves the princess. Then he porks her. Or gets cake, I don't know."

"We live in a purgatory where none of our decisions matter," a shy guy said in a monotone voice. "Each and every action will be happen over and over like a repeating dream. We are mere puppets in the stage play called life."

"REYNOLDS!" the hammer bro barked. "It was your turn to keep Shy Guy Kyle off 4chan subreddits!"

A piranha plant burst from the inside of a pipe. "Hey, I was busy keeping Janky off Tumblr! I thought it was George's turn?"

"No, I was steering Jack away from !"

"Wait, hold on…. where IS Jack?" The hammer bro asked.

"Why are you surprised?" Reynolds asked. "Jack's never around anymore. I think he and Griffin are over at World Four."

"Why there?" Prem asked.

"The drinking age was lowered there," George grunted. "Alcohol doesn't affect them anyways. Goes right through them."

"Literally!" Prem said with a wink.

"Stop," Shy Guy Kyle said.

"What? In spirit of the fact that Jack isn't here, I thought that- "

"You thought wrong," the hammer bro muttered. "I can barely tolerate ONE of him."

He cleared his throat. "Anyway, don't try to change the subject! This is our chance to restore our honor after our humiliating defeat at World 1-Castle! I bet Simpson is excited, right Simpson?"

A green-shelled koopa troopa saluted back to his sergeant. "Sir yes sir! Ready to neutralize the 'M' at the soonest opportunity!"

"Simpson doesn't count," George said, rolling his eyes. "He's green."

"Liter-"

"Shut up, Prem. He hasn't even seen combat yet. He'll learn soon enough," George said.

"Whatever, fine! At least just do your best to get your money's worth?" Sarge pleaded.

"What-two coins an hour?" George asked. "Sure, THAT'S worth getting our asses kicked by an Italian stereotype."

"Well, it's better than nothing, right?" Reynolds asked. "None of us have any other jobs."

"Hey, speak for yourself!" George shouted. "I have a part time job as a babysitter!"

"Wait, are you serious?" Simpson asked.

"Yeah, I watch Bowser's brats. Sure, I think I may have killed Iggy, but-"

"WAIT THAT'S HIM, SHUT UP!" Sarge barked. "GET DOWN!"

The World 1-3 Koopa Corps ducked behind some bushes (Reynolds sinking lower in his pipe.) Sarge looked at all of them in turn.

"Okay, this is where we do what we're trained for."

"I actually have a question, sir," Simpson said. "I think I'm still having trouble understanding our code."

"Well, I'm sure I could solve your conundrum right now, private," Sarge said with a kind smile.

"Okay, so I'm on board with the part where we walk left, but what happens after that?"

"You keep walking left," Sarge explained. "Just walk towards Mario and you'll be fine."

"Oh okay," Simpson said. "So if he for some reason he jumps past me, I turn around and attack him from behind-"

"No, no, no,!" Sarge said. "You have to keep walking left. That's the green-shelled code!"

"But what if there's a cliff!?" Simpson exclaimed.

"Then you'll be remembered as the koopa troopa who acted like a true soldier would. Walking left to the ends of the earth."

"Whoa, hold on!" Simpson protested. "I'm sure I've seen koopas walk from left to right before!"

"Ha!" Sarge snorted. "Those are red-shells, like Prem over there. They're a BIT above your level."

"B-but YOU have a green shell, and you get to throw hammers!" Simpson said. "Why can't I do that?"

"Because, sonny boy-"

"We're the same age!"

"I went through the strict training necessary to attain this high position. The badge I earned came from true determination and willpower! It'll be years before you can apply-"

George snickered. "We put it to a vote. He would have cried if we didn't let him wear the outfit."

"THAT'S IT, YOU GET TO FIGHT MARIO FIRST!"

"As usual," George grunted.

"So, George, Simpson and…wait, how do shy guys fight, Shy Guy Kyle?" Sarge asked.

"We too are trained in the art of walking left," Shy Guy Kyle drawled. "However, we are far harder to kill than mere koopas and goombas."

"Oh?" Sarge asked, intrigued. "Do tell?"

"I'm from Super Mario Bros 2," Shy Guy Kyle said.

"Ohhh," the entire squad said in realization.

"Okay, that just leaves-dammit, where's Janky?" Sarge asked.

"HAAHAHHA! I KNEW YOU WOULD REQUEST MY PRESENCE!" A bo-omb jumped out from behind another bush.

"Janky, just walk left like everyone and explode," Sarge muttered.

"Wait, so when should I explode?"

"He should explode right now and make my day," George said.

"Okay, this one's complicated, so your tiny firework brain might get this confused," Sarge explained in a slow, patronizing voice. "Walk left, and only explode when Mario jumps on you."

"Wait, but what if he doesn't jump on me?" Janky asked.

"Then keep walking left and fall off a cliff like George, Simpson, and Shy Guy Kyle!" Sarge said. "It isn't rocket science."

"Yeah, it isn't rocket science, Janky!" Reynolds said.

"Reynolds, please."

"But that's so dumb!" Janky said.

"So are you. Make the end result fit the quality of the person," Sarge said.

"Oh," Janky said, looking down. "I guess that makes sense!"

"Prem, just do your walk back and forth thing," Sarge said, waving him off. "That just leaves you, Reynolds. And I have a plan."

"What's that?" Reynolds asked.

"Well, there just so happens to be a block holding a fire flower above us. When Mario goes for it, you jump up from the pipe and eat his face!"

"You're a genius, sir!"

"Stop being a kiss ass," Sarge said, turning around.

"Wait, sir?" Reynolds asked. "How about instead of letting Mario take the flower…. you use it?"

"What?" Sarge barked. "Do I look like a fire bro to you?"

Reynolds cocked his head to the side. "I mean…sort of, yeah."

Sarge gritted his teeth. "I'm going to pretend you didn't just make that offensive statement against my race. Just stick to the plan."

"Whatever, man," the piranha plant muttered, slipping back into the pipe.

"Kids Next Door, battle stations!" Sarge barked.

"So, is there like an order we should attack, or…?" Simpson asked, looking nervous.

"I'll go first!" George said with his signature shit eating grin. "Cuz I'm the mastah."

Simpson opened his mouth to respond, but faltered when he saw Shy Guy Kyle, Janky, and Prem shaking their heads and giving him silent warnings to shut up.

"Lets'a go!" cried the demonic shout of an optimistic Italian voice. Mario himself was jogging forward, occasionally smashing blocks open and collecting the coins inside. He turned to the group, staring at the grunts with soulless blue eyes.

George sprinted forward as fast as his stubby legs could carry him, followed by Prem and Simpson. Sarge watched their progress from his vantage point on top of some bricks that were floating for some reason.

"PAPA JOHN'S WINS AGAIN-AHHHHHHH!" George screamed as Mario threw a roundhouse kick. Prem managed to duck, but Simpson was bowled over by the poor flying goomba. They both crashed into Reynold's pipe, slumping over in exhaustion.

Prem sighed, before facing Mario. They faced off, raising their fists. Prem lunged forward.

"You can do it, Prem! I believe in-oh," Simpson said as he rose to his feet. Prem was on the ground, crying out in pain as Mario delivered savage blows.

"He may be more competent than the rest of us, but he's still just a koopa troopa," Shy Guy Kyle said as he watched with mild amusement.

"Sh-should we help him?" Janky asked.

"That's not our way," Sarge said. "Prem has honor. He has to fight this battle by himself, or he'll never be a-"

"HELP ME! HE'S CRUSHING MY ESOPHAGUS!" Prem managed to choke out.

"War cries," Sarge dismissed.

"All I needed to here! Swiggy saggy Janky to the rescue!" The bob-omb announced as he marched over to where Mario was handing Prem his red shell.

"TIME TO GO-boom?" Janky asked. "Aww jeez…it's not igniting. Haha this is so embarrassing…."

"It happens to guys all the time," Shy Guy Kyle drawled.

"Sh-shut up Kyle!" Janky said, wheeling on him. Unfortunately, this left him wide open. Mario punted the bob-omb in the air, waving his hat off to him as he screamed.

"HAHAHAHAAHA!" George howled.

"Come on, Janky! You can't even kill yourself properly!" Reynolds muttered.

"Alright, Shy Guy Kyle!" Sarge barked. "You can take him! Prem, Simpson, George! Help out!"

"Uh first, I'm pretty sure Prem is unconscious," George muttered. "Second, hell no. I think we've already established that we're outclassed here."

"Do not worry," Shy Guy Kyle said. "Beneath my mask lies untapped potential. With a blink of an eye I can end worlds."

"Really?" Sarge asked in excitement.

"No," Shy Guy Kyle said as Mario lifted him above his shoulders. "I'm going to die."

"Noooo!" Sarge cried as Mario threw him off a cliff. "You'll be avenged! Simpson, George, we'll honor our teammate by-"

"Nah," George said, walking away. "Don't feel like dying today."

Simpson rubbed the back of his head. "I uh…. I'm sorry sir, it's just that George's plan seems a lot better for my wellbeing."

"Fine, deserters!" Sarge yelled at their retreating forms. "We don't need you! Right, Reynolds?"

"Of course, sir. I'll always be there for you!"

"Stop making it gay, Reynolds!" Sarge barked. "Now on with the plan! He sees the block! You know what to do!"

Mario ran over to where the block was floating above the pipe. With a grunt, he hopped on top, punching the brick and releasing the fire flower.

"REYNOLDS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Sarge yelled. "THAT WAS YOUR CHANCE!" Fire Mario dropped down in front of the pipe.

Reynolds poked out. "Hey, that's not how we work! We attack in PATTERNS. Like every ten seconds, Mario or no Mario."

Before Sarge could respond that this method of attacking was retarded, Fire Mario had spun and thrown fire balls at the piranha plant, succeeding in combusting him.

"AHHHHH! I'M ON FIRE! PUT ME OUT! PUT ME OUT! WHY ISN'T THERE WATER IN THE PIPES!" Reynolds screamed as he sunk down. Sarge slapped himself in the face.

"All right, Mario!" Sarge grounded out as he faced the mustachioed monster. "You may have beaten my soldiers, but now you're gonna have to face the real deal!"

"Wahoo!" Was Mario's clever response.

"Do you remember me, Mario? I am Sergeant Michael Mckellbottoms!" Sarge hissed. "Back at World 1-Castle? You kicked my brother into the lava and forced me to watch! Poor Sebastian didn't deserve that fate! I've spent weeks planning my revenge, and it's finally coming into fruition!"

"Okie-dokie!" Mario responded in his horrible cheery voice. He began unleashing fire balls as Sarge threw hammers that materialized out of nowhere. The projectiles exploded on impact, creating a dusty explosion.

Sarge and Mario jumped high in the air at the same time, narrowing their eyes as they prepared for the final clash.

Mario caught Sarge's hammers an inch away from his chest, and they struggled to overcome the other in a brutal midair wrestling match….

Until Mario threw a weak fire ball into Sarge's stomach, causing him to gasp in pain and clutch his injury.

"Here we go!" Mario cried as he drop kicked Sarge into the bricks hard enough to crush them on his way down.

Sarge hit the ground with a groan as Mario landed in front of him, making a peace symbol in victory.

"Whoa, what did we miss?" a boo asked as he looked over the carnage in front of him and a dry bones. Prem and Sarge were unconscious, George and Simpson were nowhere to be found, and there was smoke coming from Reynolds' pipe.

"Huh, we probably should have come back earlier," the dry bones admitted.

"Nah, what difference would we have made?" the boo said. "I mean neither of us can die again after the World 1-Castle massacre, but it's not like we could have stopped him."

"True enough," the dry bones said with a shrug. He looked over Sarge, who was slowly coming to. "Hey sleepyhead…. how are you doing?"

"I'm sorry, Salty Sebastian," Sarge muttered through his exhausted tears. "I failed you."

The boo nudged the dry bones. "I guess you could say they didn't stand a GHOST of a chance!"

The boo and dry bones laughed together as Sarge cried big salty tears. Tears so salty that they reminded him of his hammer brother, Salty Sebastian. This in turn led to more salty tears, leading to a depressing vicious cycle that ended with him nearly drowning in his own tears. And yes, it is being played for laughs. He was also demoted for his failure on the field.

 **The End**

So, what'd you guys think? Should this be a series of mini stories or should I delete it off the face of the earth? You decide!

Next Chapter: George and Jack learn that Janky's never…. well…you know. They spend the day as his wingmen in a hilarious set of misadventures that ends in several deaths. Stay tuned!


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